she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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