The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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