I just saw a hot homeless man
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
