So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
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