he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
