This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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