Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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