Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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