I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I enjoy the company of your penis
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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