he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
third nipple confirmed
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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