that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
