so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
