Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
