my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
