What a fucking waste of an outfit
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
