apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
