I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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