ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
