I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
