I murdered the dance floor call the cops
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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