Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
