my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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