I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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