you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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