I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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