he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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