i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
