Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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