i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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