he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
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