Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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