I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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