On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
