im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
