saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
