Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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