last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
