I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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