i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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