I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
