he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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