I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
