I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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