he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
