I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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