Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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