also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
