Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
