I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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