He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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