So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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