FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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