Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
